Monday Moment - Here and Now Tool

Last Friday a new member joined our writers group. As she introduced herself, she apologized in advance in case she cried and made any of us uncomfortable. She’d lost her husband, she told us, and even though some people in her life thought it was time for her to stop crying, she wasn’t ready or able to do so. Our group is such a lovely and supportive gathering that of course no one felt uncomfortable just because of a few tears, and we all acknowledged that we too had felt reasons to cry and could easily accept her reasons.

She and I had a conversation after the group meeting closed, and listening to her I was reminded of the time when grieving was the central focus of my life. The memories were pretty fresh in my mind as just the week before had been the 9th anniversary of my Dave’s death. As I listened to her loss, it was clear that our experiences were different – and yet somehow shared. I had a wish to help – despite knowing that nothing would give her what she really wants – to have her husband back.

But in my wish to help, I thought a bit about what helped me. Writing was one of those things that helped. I had been an inconsistent journal writer before I lost Dave – and can’t claim any great consistency now. When needs are great, however, one grasps. I remember feeling overwhelmed at the very idea of journaling – as I was overwhelmed by most things in those days – until I remembered a simple tool I’d learned from Sid and Suzanne Simon.

The tool was called the “Here and Now Wheel” and involved dividing a sheet into four quadrants and then identifying feelings you’re having right then and there. It was simple enough to not feel overwhelming. I could fill ¼ page easily with a single feeling and then move on to write another two paragraphs’ worth of emotions. I felt grateful to remember this tool – enough that I opted to assign the fourth quadrant to gratitude and pride. There I’d list five things for which I was grateful and five things of which I was proud on that particular day. I needed to acknowledge and remember that even in the midst of pain, life is good. And I needed to acknowledge and give myself credit for any brave thing – and they were all brave things in those dark days – that I managed to do.

Writing my “Here and Now” journal was so useful, but even more useful was returning to those pages after some time had passed. In a time when it felt like I was making no progress, my “Here and Now” journal provided evidence that in fact I was healing – one tiny increment at a time. And reading back over those journals – which I still do on every anniversary of his death – keeps me in touch with not just the pain of losing Dave but the tremendous joy of having him in my life. I find that I’m more than willing to accept the pain when remembering also brings me so much joy.

What my conversation last Friday also reminded me is that it’s good to share a tool that has worked for me. Maybe it won’t work as well for you as it did for me, but just maybe it will be a tool that you can use – or adapt so it will work for you. And this is a tool that you can keep as your own and not have to worry about returning it when you’re done. Just pass it on if you think maybe it might help someone else.

Wishing you a blessed week!

Sally